It all started with a boy. I mean, it always starts with a boy, amirite? But this boy was...special...because I loveeeeed him (insert eyeroll here). That love expanded over a decade; even when I thought the feelings had long dissipated, he’d come back into my life to reignite the flame, wreak havoc and then hit me with the seething words that burned a hole in my heart, “I’m just not ready, yet.” So, like any fool in love, I cried, screamed - hell, I even begged a little. Then I heard the voice, “That’s enough.”
Deep inhale. Full exhale. Time to reflect. I started to think about everything that had happened since he’d come back. All the feelings that ran amuck in my body; paranoia, lust, anxiety, fear, love, sadness, anger, happiness. You get the point. In just a few months I’d gone from being uber focused on my writing, my travel plans and all the glorious things I dreamed of to an absolute, emotional, physical and mental mess! How did I let this happen? I’d been holding on to him, to some romanticized version of how happy we’d be together after all these years so tightly, that I was suffocating.
See God, The Universe, Source - whatever you call it - has a way of working things out. At first, it’s just a nudge, a simple red flag or feeling in your gut that this thing (or person, in my case) just isn’t for you. Be we’re hard headed, aren’t we? We think we can just finesse the way said thing fits into our lives because “it just HAS to fit!” Then the Creator ups the ante, the nudge turns to a push and so on and so forth until the very thing we’re clenching so tightly starts to poison us. Stealing time that we can never get back, snatching our attention and chipping away at our happiness, our peace of mind.
I know we always think we know what’s best, but, Sis, I’m here to tell you the truth is the truth whether you need to hear it once or one million times over six years, two babies, a dog, a house and a failed marriage. Deep down you knew it, the universe told you, you just have to listen.
Since releasing myself from that hold - that emotional up and down vanished. I’m back to focusing on my future success. I’m back on the healing journey that I had abandoned in the name of love. Back to writing. Back to planning my trip to see the world. And most importantly, back to happy.
So, let it go. Mourn it, if you must. Then stand in the mirror, fix your crown, Queen, and remember who the hell you are.